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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Vaguely Familiar...

He and I, are never going to be the same. I realized that last night. Sitting alone in the loungeroom, the only on light in the house, my little bubble in a world of darkness, I knew, we just weren’t.

I’m never going to get those hugs that went on for minutes again, where his shoulder was the place I could rest my head and I could feel a strange sort of subdued happiness fill me. At least them, I could feel him close by, at least then I could smell him. At least then, he was, for those brief seconds when I held him, mine.

I guess now, we’re like…strangers who’ve read about each other or something. We know about each other, but not each other. We sort of vaguely remember, like being back in the house you grew up in and only having faint memories of what used to be there and how it felt because too many years have passed and you were so young and you’ve been so long separated.

I can’t keep living half life, I can’t keep looking for meaning in things that don’t exist. I just can’t be in love with him any longer. I want to sever it all, and just feel like I can breathe again, like I own my heart to place it where I want, to leave the winter of a hundred years and experience the spring. All the snow round my heart could just melt away.

We don’t talk, not anymore. Maybe it’s time I just let this go. Maybe I should just give up ever seeing him smile at me, or hug me, or talk to me. Maybe, just maybe, if I take that all in as I do now, I can just cut the final tie, Hope, from my head and heart, and watch it all blow away. He, in my life, no longer exists.

And that’s that. I give up. Now, while I withdraw, I may cry, kick, scream, throw tantrums, ache for hours, lay awake for days on end, live under tables, stop eating completely, I may even actively seek him out, but you


(my friends)

will make me stop.

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